Back from vacation. I was thankfully able to keep from trying to count calories during my week away. I was also able to eat quite a few healthy meals in the midst of restaurant-a-go-going.
I skipped the Sunday weigh-in this week. Whatever the results from my week of eating at 2 4-star restaurants, 3 dives with awesome food, and WAY too many pralines, I feel ok with it. There's no way possible I gained 15 pounds or anything, and I was actually craving fruit, greek yogurt, and salads (that I got in when I could) so I feel proud that I didn't instantly slip back into "old" ways.
HOWEVER, I almost signed in while packing and hustling to the airport on departure day just to post that on 3/31 I was at 236.6! Take THAT 240s!!
It felt nice to hear a few compliments from relatives (and always from the Girl. She's amazingly sweet like that) about looking good. I was also finally able to see a photo taken in October (when I was only down 17 lbs) to see what that full body shot looked like. I confess, though, that I don't see a lot of difference.
The recurring thought in my head for the last few weeks is, "You are STILL a very. big. girl." Kind of disheartening to have lost dang near 60 lbs, been eating healthy and getting more exercise in for 7 months, and STILL look and feel as obese as (let's face it) I am. I feel leaps and bounds ahead of where I was from an eating and mentality standpoint, but yet I was still the biggest person in my aerobics class last night.
I don't want to allow myself to act/feel as though I'm ... normal. Fit. Healthy. Thin. Because I'm not. I'm only health-ier, fit-ter, thin-ner than I was.
I wear a lot of baggy clothes and sweaters (always sweaters) because I want very badly to hide beneath the layers. I didn't wear stuff like this before. But it's almost like I woke up to how big and unhealthy I was. Although I'm making progress, I'm still a big and unhealthy person so I want to cover that up. I'm dreading summer, and having to shed my already too-big XXL sweaters.
I'll have to find some baggy short-sleeved thin sweaters to swaddle myself in.
I was talking to the Girl about coming with me to my aerobics class. She has some neck/shoulder issues, so she'd have to skip crunches and overhead weight moves. She was saying that she is pretty sure she'll be able to skip doing those things and not worry what others in the class would think of her for not doing them.
My immediate thought was, "That's because you're not fat!"
My bum knee and the persistent pain/possible stress fracture in the same leg frustrate me to no end in working out. I can't jog in place for more than 15 seconds without sharp tinges of pain. No jumpy-hoppy-type movements at all. I have to "modify" a lot of the movements in class (along with the 74 year old next to me). I'm POSITIVE that everyone thinks that I can't/won't do it because of my size. It makes me feel AWFUL, and completely self-conscious. I almost wish I could wear a sign that had arrows and said "Busted knee! Stress fracture! That's why I'm keeping everything low impact! Not because I'm too lazy/fat to do it the "right way!"
 |
I know if I were a "normal" weight, people would probably assume I had some kind of injury. But I'm not, so they assume that's the reason.
I took a different class in addition to my current one for a few weeks. I wanted something similar to this one, but on a weekend. So one Saturday morning at 8:30 a.m. I showed up for the Cardio Weight Training class. Me and 25 women size 8 or smaller. And though the class was supposed to start at 8:30, at 8:28 when I showed up, they were already midway through their warm up song. I had to do that whole, embarrassing "grab your equipment and find a place to set up while not getting hit in the head" thing for a few minutes. They were using steps. They all had the step plus the two extension pieces underneath. In my rush to just get out of the way and get moving, I grabbed the step and one extension piece.
This class wasn't playing. I'm talking jump up onto the step with both feet and back down again while swinging a 15 pound kettleball not-playing. In many places it was obvious what I needed to do to avoid shattering my left leg. (Step up and down with one foot at a time, etc.) But in other places, the instructor would start the move, and then say something like "Level 1, you'll step over and back..."
Level 1...oh, ok, that's me.
I was okay with that. Even though I was the only one in the room not on level 28 or whatever the hell level they were on.
But at a later point, when she was again demonstrating a "level 1" move, she went into some spiel about "You know, it's ok if you can't do everything. Everyone has to start somewhere..."
I wanted to DIE. It was all I could do not to run crying from the room. I was already humiliated just STANDING in the room with these thin, fit women. Now I'm moving around and jiggling in front of them. Not able to keep up, beet red from exertion (even at level "one"!) and having to modify the moves to make them low-impact. Now she makes this speech for ONLY ME. EVERYONE KNOWS she's only talking about me.
I made it through that class. Although my breathing was messed up for the remainder of the day. And by Monday I had to take a day off work because my legs and back were KILLING me. But I felt like I HAD to go back.
I had to show up again to show them that they hadn't beaten me.
So I did. And it was a little less excruciating that time. A little.
The following week, she set the class up in "circuits". Punching bags here, steps there, weights there. And groups of 4 of us would switch circuits every 2 minutes. This didn't work so well. When we were all supposed to run up and down the line of steps, I opted to stand off to the side and grapevine so as not to hold up the other three women. Awkward. Several other times, I had to do something completely separate from the others. And I noticed the instructor and others watching to see what I'd do.
I couldn't take it anymore. I stopped going. I didn't want to hurt myself during the class to avoid embarrassment . It was making me feel awful, and right now I need to feel as positive as I can about exercise.
One day, hopefully not too far from now, I want to go back to that class. A size 8 myself. And even if none of the same people or instructors are there, I'll know that I came back. And I'll feel ok doing things at "level 1", because no one will think my size is the reason.
No comments:
Post a Comment