Unintended side effect of weight loss #47

Building up the muscles in your hand from overuse of 0 cal spray butter.

A rebuttal

There's a weight loss/foodie blog I've been reading since I started this last year. I'm not sure I'm going to name it specifically. This blog and its writer have been a huge inspiration to me, especially in the beginning. The recipes started me on my quest to find delicious, light food that both me and my 12 year old will enjoy eating.

However, a post there yesterday on "diet" versus "whole" foods really rubbed me the wrong way.

I understand the backlash against preservative-ridden pseudo-foods filling the shelves these days. Eating foods as close to their source and nature as possible makes sense to me, even if it's not something I specifically set out to do.

There's also the argument that when what one craves is ice cream, one should have (a serving) of ice cream, and not placate a pang with sugar-free fat free whipped frozen yogurt, lest the jones linger unsatisfied.

But... while this post claimed to be accepting of diet foods (like bagel thins, frozen yogurt, fat free sour cream), if only as a tool in weight loss, it actually came off very condescending, at least to this dieter's ears.

vs.

To say that you understand that some people like only the crispy exterior of bagels, and in that case, bagel thins are A-ok, whatever floats your boat, and then to drool on for a paragraph about all the heady sexiness of real, whole, full-fat bagels with full-fat cream cheese....

...it's like saying, "Well, yes, I'm sure driving a  2004 Honda Civic is JUST FINE for some people who really, truly prefer cars with two c's and a v in the name, and to each their own, but let me tell you...every morning when I sink into the heated leather seats of my Mercedes SUV, gaze up through the moonroof, and listen to the hum of a fine piece of European-manufactured machinery purring like a panther...well, there's not a moment I regret making that purchase."

We can't all AFFORD the Mercedes!  For some of us, it would be a huge, life-wrecking mistake to even attempt to buy one!  Am I making sense?

The analogy of "lite" or "diet" foods to training wheels is made. That they're a stepping stone along the (inevitable, apparently) path to whole foods.  Since this writer is 5 years into weight maintenance, perhaps it is easy for her to poo-pooh fat free pudding, cool whip, skinny cow ice creams, butter spray, light bread, and all the other substitutions that most dieters assume as a given. And if her blog were just. a food blog, then fine.

But she's made her name (not to mention her upcoming weight-loss memoir and accompanying cookbook) as a weight-loss inspiration.  She knows her audience is primarily folks in the beginning or middle of a battle of the bulge! And to give us this "Well...yess...those things were ok back when I was losing weight...but here, darling, on this side of the scale, I can see how big a faux pas they really are..." just feels like a slap in the face. 

Her comments about how, when she was losing weight, it was more important to have the quantity of 6 fat free fudgesicles than the "real" goodness of 1/2 cup of Haagen-Dazs ... a "barrel" of baked chips than 14 Doritos really irked me.  That she's proud of the trust she now has in herself...the control she has now that she can eat only two of the dozen buttery, eggy chocolate walnut chip cookies she's just baked off without eating the whole lot hurt.

How about I only have ROOM in my calorie budget for ONE fat free fudgsicle? If I HAD the 400 calories available for dessert, maybe my ass WOULD be eating the "real" thing, but I don't! I have 50! or 100!

Should I reduce my 200-cal breakfasts even further so I can accommodate the "whole" food Doritos? Or is it ok with you if I eat some pretzels instead?  Am I supposed to forgo one small Skinny Cow ice cream cone in favor of 3 teaspoons of Extreme Moose tracks? And I'm supposed to be satisfied (not just mentally, mind you, but physically too, since it's a "whole" food) by that teeny amount?

Maybe the self-control isn't my issue, but staying realistically within my calorie budget is.  If I make an entire batch of cookies, but can only afford to eat (maybe) one per day....I'm either eating a lot of stale cookies or wasting them.

It didn't help that the comments section was full of people trying to agree with the error of their diet-food-eating ways.  Things like, "Oh-em-gee! I totes <3 this post! Get out of my head! I remember when I was trying to lose weight (after ballooning all the way up to 155 when I was pregnant, GROSS!) and ate a lot of fat free, light foods. Now that I've lost that 15 pounds, I can see how AWFUL it was that I put all that POISON into my body! Now I only eat lard straight from the can (cuz what's less processed than lard?) and I'm maintaining after 3 whole weeks!"***

***not an actual comment, but actually reflective of how snarky I feel about the comments

Truly, I still like this blog and its writer. I hope, though, that she can remember from whence she came.  Talking down to a group on people eating the same foods she did when she was trying to lose an assload of weight just stings. If she is wanting her blog to morph into a food or foodie blog and not a source of weight loss inspiration, then ok.  I hope she won't be using it to promote her book any longer, and please remove the three articles that draw most people in, all of which are focused entirely on weight loss.

/rant

Little improvements

After last week's net 0 loss/gain...I initially told myself that was fine..great. It meant I hadn't packed anything on during vacation.  But since I waited an entire week after returning to weigh in, I actually felt like I should have lost something. Silly, yes. 

In any case, it prompted me to refocus. I did much better with water all last week. That, alone, I feel is responsible for my 3.79 lb loss.

232.8. At LONG last, the 240s are really, truly a thing of the past.

I went to aerobics class (along with the Girl! more on that in a sec) once last week, and went on one decent walk. I have a legitimate excuse...extensive dental work on Thursday. Thursday's class was out of the question. Also, my power walks are have a delayed, very negative, effect on my left shin and knee. Boo! I actually like them! 

So, this week I've got Tuesday and Thursdays' aerobics classes planned. But I'm also going to check with the instructor about a similar class she teaches on Wednesdays and Saturdays. If she thinks I'll be able to keep the knee/shin impact low in those like I do in the classes I'm already taking, I will go the Saturday class this week.

Going to both the Wednesday AND Saturday classes would be kickass - for my body, anyhow. My family might disagree. It's trying enough to rush home in time to drop of the Girl and head to class on Tues and Thurs and not be home until 7:15. Cooking is not one of the Girl's fortes. I don't mind cooking at all (it's in my blood), but my class has meant either a very late dinner or trying to come up with something simple enough for the Girl to make. I think if I add a third night, the Girl and the daughter may revolt.

I'm SO proud of the Girl for coming with me to class. It totally kicked her butt. Even keeping things low-impact like I do. It doesn't make me happy that she was in such a state she had to sit out a song, but it does make me happy to know that even at 71 lbs less than me, it wasn't a breeze for her. I really *am* working hard, even if I'm not bouncing all over the place.

She's coming back with me tmw. We'll see about Thursday. Even if she goes one day a week, that's so great for her body. Not just weight or looks-wise, but for her muscles, bones, heart, lungs, immune system, all of it. So, so proud of her. :D

Oh! And I squeezed into a pair of the Girl's old size 16 pants yesterday.

I KNOW!

I haven't seen a 16 since....2002? And that was after a dangerous 75 lb weight loss. (Which turned into a 110 lb gain). I wouldn't wear them in public, too tight. But I got them on. And buttoned them. And they weren't knit or stretch pants or anything. And they also weren't a 16W, just a plain 16. Little victories, you know?

Heck, I'm happy to be pretty firmly in an 18 right now. For me, that means I could usually find something in my size at a regular store...possibly even in the "misses" and not "womens" sizes. Possibly.

I'd been setting up mini-goals along the way. I finally reached my 235 by 4/1 goal (well, two weeks late, but okay). But my next goal is 195.8 by 8/31/12. 100 lbs at the 1 year mark.  37 lbs in 19 weeks. About 1.9 lbs per week. I CAN DO IT!

And then, it will be 165lbs. by 12/31/12 (assuming the earth hasn't imploded or something). My UGW. 

At least, that's what I think it is. It will depend largely on how I feel and look at 175, or at 160, or 155.

Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Right now the beckoning 220s sound marvelous.

Back 2 Life...Back 2 Reality

Am I the only one that hears that song every time I'm back from a weekend/vacation/holiday break/awesome dream? 

Back from vacation. I was thankfully able to keep from trying to count calories during my week away. I was also able to eat quite a few healthy meals in the midst of restaurant-a-go-going.

I skipped the Sunday weigh-in this week.  Whatever the results from my week of eating at 2 4-star restaurants, 3 dives with awesome food, and WAY too many pralines, I feel ok with it. There's no way possible I gained 15 pounds or anything, and I was actually craving fruit, greek yogurt, and salads (that I got in when I could) so I feel proud that I didn't instantly slip back into "old" ways.

HOWEVER, I almost signed in while packing and hustling to the airport on departure day just to post that on 3/31 I was at 236.6!  Take THAT 240s!!

It felt nice to hear a few compliments from relatives (and always from the Girl. She's amazingly sweet like that) about looking good.  I was also finally able to see a photo taken in October (when I was only down 17 lbs) to see what that full body shot looked like.  I confess, though, that I don't see a lot of difference.



The recurring thought in my head for the last few weeks is, "You are STILL a very. big. girl." Kind of disheartening to have lost dang near 60 lbs, been eating healthy and getting more exercise in for 7 months, and STILL look and feel as obese as (let's face it) I am. I feel leaps and bounds ahead of where I was from an eating and mentality standpoint, but yet I was still the biggest person in my aerobics class last night.

I don't want to allow myself to act/feel as though I'm ... normal. Fit. Healthy. Thin. Because I'm not. I'm only health-ier, fit-ter, thin-ner than I was.

I wear a lot of baggy clothes and sweaters (always sweaters) because I want very badly to hide beneath the layers. I didn't wear stuff like this before. But it's almost like I woke up to how big and unhealthy I was. Although I'm making progress, I'm still a big and unhealthy person so I want to cover that up. I'm dreading summer, and having to shed my already too-big XXL sweaters.

I'll have to find some baggy short-sleeved thin sweaters to swaddle myself in.



I was talking to the Girl about coming with me to my aerobics class. She has some neck/shoulder issues, so she'd have to skip crunches and overhead weight moves. She was saying that she is pretty sure she'll be able to skip doing those things and not worry what others in the class would think of her for not doing them.

My immediate thought was, "That's because you're not fat!"

My bum knee and the persistent pain/possible stress fracture in the same leg frustrate me to no end in working out. I can't jog in place for more than 15 seconds without sharp tinges of pain. No jumpy-hoppy-type movements at all. I have to "modify" a lot of the movements in class (along with the 74 year old next to me). I'm POSITIVE that everyone thinks that I can't/won't do it because of my size. It makes me feel AWFUL, and completely self-conscious. I almost wish I could wear a sign that had arrows and said "Busted knee! Stress fracture! That's why I'm keeping everything low impact! Not because I'm too lazy/fat to do it the "right way!"

I know if I were a "normal" weight, people would probably assume I had some kind of injury. But I'm not, so they assume that's the reason.

I took a different class in addition to my current one for a few weeks. I wanted something similar to this one, but on a weekend. So one Saturday morning at 8:30 a.m. I showed up for the Cardio Weight Training class. Me and 25 women size 8 or smaller. And though the class was supposed to start at 8:30, at 8:28 when I showed up, they were already midway through their warm up song. I had to do that whole, embarrassing "grab your equipment and find a place to set up while not getting hit in the head" thing for a few minutes. They were using steps. They all had the step plus the two extension pieces underneath. In my rush to just get out of the way and get moving, I grabbed the step and one extension piece.

This class wasn't playing. I'm talking jump up onto the step with both feet and back down again while swinging a 15 pound kettleball not-playing.  In many places it was obvious what I needed to do to avoid shattering my left leg. (Step up and down with one foot at a time, etc.) But in other places, the instructor would start the move, and then say something like "Level 1, you'll step over and back..."

Level 1...oh, ok, that's me.

I was okay with that. Even though I was the only one in the room not on level 28 or whatever the hell level they were on.

But at a later point, when she was again demonstrating a "level 1" move, she went into some spiel about "You know, it's ok if you can't do everything. Everyone has to start somewhere..."

I wanted to DIE. It was all I could do not to run crying from the room. I was already humiliated just STANDING in the room with these thin, fit women. Now I'm moving around and jiggling in front of them. Not able to keep up, beet red from exertion (even at level "one"!) and having to modify the moves to make them low-impact.  Now she makes this speech for ONLY ME. EVERYONE KNOWS she's only talking about me.

I made it through that class. Although my breathing was messed up for the remainder of the day. And by Monday I had to take a day off work because my legs and back were KILLING me. But I felt like I HAD to go back.

I had to show up again to show them that they hadn't beaten me.

So I did. And it was a little less excruciating that time. A little.

The following week, she set the class up in "circuits". Punching bags here, steps there, weights there. And groups of 4 of us would switch circuits every 2 minutes.  This didn't work so well. When we were all supposed to run up and down the line of steps, I opted to stand off to the side and grapevine so as not to hold up the other three women.  Awkward. Several other times, I had to do something completely separate from the others. And I noticed the instructor and others watching to see what I'd do. 

I couldn't take it anymore. I stopped going. I didn't want to hurt myself during the class to avoid embarrassment . It was making me feel awful, and right now I need to feel as positive as I can about exercise.

One day, hopefully not too far from now, I want to go back to that class. A size 8 myself. And even if none of the same people or instructors are there, I'll know that I came back. And I'll feel ok doing things at "level 1", because no one will think my size is the reason.