Two of the books I've read recently, along with some of the blogs, centered around overcoming compulsive overeating. I can identify with some aspects of it, but not all. Yes, I sometimes ate out of boredom. Or because I had just popped a new DVD in. Or because I'd "had a hard day" and "deserved" a "treat". But I ate a human-sized amount of food. Sure, it was fat and calorie-heavy, and not at all good for me, but it wasn't a dangerously-sized portion.
Dangerously-sized portions. Image not to scale.
I might've had a Quarter Pounder meal from McDonald's for dinner, and maybe 6 oreos for dessert a little while later. I know now that the 1000+ calories in the quarter pounder meal is a ridiculous amount to consume for one meal, but if I'd eaten the same weight in a turkey sandwich on wheat with carrot sticks and water it would've been healthy enough.
So it was eye-opening to read about people struggling with the habit or desire to eat an entire large pizza and follow it with an entire carton of ice cream. Even if you replaced that with nothing but lettuce, it would still be gut-busting.
This isn't about "OMG, I wasn't healthy, but THOSE PEOPLE were so much worse!" Just that we have all had different paths to obesity, and I don't know that I've seen much written about people on a path similar to mine.
I am of two minds on this subject. One - how totally fricking HARD it must be to have to battle an addiction to binging. You not only have to remove all the yummy, sugary, salty, creamy, greasy goodness you've become accustomed to, you ALSO have to have 1/6 the amount of food you really want to eat. I'm in awe of the strength it must take to face and overcome that.
I'm an ex-smoker (1 year and 8 months smoke-free, tyvm!). I know that in some ways I will be resisting the urge to light up every second of every day for the rest of my life. I know that if science discovered a way to make cigarettes that did no harm, and didn't make clothes/breath smell, I'd be likely to light up a Marlboro Ultra Light before you could blink. I know the struggle of fighting an addiction. I can avoid cigarettes and smokers fairly easily. If I had an addiction to overeating, I couldn't avoid being near food or people consuming it.
I think everyone trying to eat healthy experiences some of this. How to avoid the Holiday Spread of Evil, the "It's Shriley in Accounting's Birthday!" brownies, or even the Employee Luncheon of Questionable Origin on a 1400 calorie a day (or vegan, or gluten-free, etc.) diet. But I imagine that recovering from compulsive overeating makes those run-ins much harder.
On the flip side, I guess I think I feel like it must be nice to have something to point to. A disclaimer here: It is entirely possible that this flip side is wrong, self-centered, narrow-minded, and immature. For now, blog, you are a diary and not capable of making such harsh judgments against me.
I think part of me wishes I had some... thing ... to point to and say, "THAT'S why I'm fat. That thing over there." To have a reason/disease/syndrome/imbalance that's to some degree external. To have so clear a reason WHY.
I always used to say, "I don't see why I'm so overweight! I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner...dessert on some days. I'm not eating an entire bag of oreos or anything, so what gives?!"
Admittedly, I knew deep down even then that WHAT I was eating was my problem, even if not as big a problem as how much I was eating. But I think it would feel like...I had more control? More say over my weight if I were able to say, "Well, I guess that box of donuts, pound of bacon, and half gallon of chocolate milk wasn't the smartest choice for breakfast yesterday..."
As it stands, I can only point to myself. Nope, no glandular problem, evil birth control, physical impairment that makes exercising difficult, addiction, or emotional trauma that makes food the only comforting thing in an unbearable time. None of that.
Why was/am I so fat?
Um...'cause chili cheese fries with ranch dressing taste really good?
'Cause whoever invented Extreme Moose Tracks ice cream should be given a fricking Nobel Prize?
'Cause swinging through McDonald's was the easiest thing to do several times a month when the evenings are just.too.full for full scale cooking and the ensuing clean up?
Is a lifelong affinity for a little extra mayo on my sandwiches genetic?
Is anyone else hungry?
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