Friday, May 11, 2012
The Pity Party
It's almost over, I promise. Unless, of course, Sunday's weigh-in is a disaster. Then all bets are off.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Eyes wide open
Yeah, yeah, it's been a while. No one reads this anyway, so it doesn't matter. Weigh-in Sunday was 230.4. Progress is coming in painful baby steps.
I have a dressy event coming up. I refuse to wear anything that shows my legs. Not even capris or crop pants. I have cankles and I know it. So, a short dress is out. I also refuse to show my arms. Sleeveless dresses are out. So I could wear a long dress with sleeves, and look really out of place at a mid-summer event, or I have to find a nice (evening nice, not just job interview nice) top and nice slacks.
Yada, yada, ordered a top, tried it on, it looks like a dress made out of plastic. No go. Saw some very interesting looking off the shoulder looks. Almost ordered one. Then tried on a sleeveless top at home (that I would ONLY wear with a sweater or jacket) and just looked at myself in it.
In the evening, after dinner, feeling kind of stuffed. No sucking in, all alone in the bathroom. Me and my reflection.
I am so, so, so unattractive. I am loathe to use words like "huge, gross, enormous" because I know when I see someone that weighs less than I do use those words, it stings. But whatever little sense of maybe kind of looking okay or at least better I had has gone RIGHT the fuck out the window.
I pretty much disgust myself. It doesn't really matter what I wear to this event, because no one will be looking at me. Or rather, no one will be looking at me and judging what I'm wearing.
Honestly, when you see someone that's very very overweight, are you evaluating their fashion choices? Or are you really thinking something either awful, ("*THAT* is why I do aerobics three times a week!") or patronizingly charitable, at best, ("Maybe they're on a weight loss journey, too.", "Good for them for getting out to an event like this!")
Maybe those thoughts make me a horrible person, but I think a lot of us have them, if we're brutally honest with ourselves.
In any case, this is the category I fall into. As long as I'm not ridiculously dressed, it doesn't matter. I'm not going to look GOOD in anything I try to wear, so the best I can do is disappear. Lipstick on the metaphorical pig, and all that. Maybe a dark gray cami and a black wrap or sweater over it, and black pants.
I even look at pictures of 14 year old me now...at 145 pounds and think, "I thought I was thin? I look pretty chunky..."
I can't fathom why the Girl is with me. Yeah, yeah, looks are only skin deep, personality is what's important, sure. but it's one thing not to look like Charlize Theron, and it's another to actually have the ability to gross someone out with your appearance. I'm lumpy and bulge-y and pasty. I don't actually have a jawline, it all just turns into neck. My upper arm hangs over my elbow. My calves hang down over my ankles. How has she stomached me for 3 years? I feel guilty for putting her through having a girlfriend that looks like me.
Did I even mention that I skipped aerobics class last night? The reason doesn't matter. It wasn't some extreme case of illness/injury/needing to be there for family. I swear I've gained 5 pounds just from skipping class.
I also finally broke down and measured out how many (fucking delicious) croutons I actually put on my salads. A serving is 2 tablespoons or 7 grams. Which is actually about 4 croutons (these are the Texas Toast kind, so slightly bigger than tiny ones). I use at least 12. So instead of getting about 35 calories from croutons as I've been tracking, I'm actually getting 100 or more. Sometimes I have a salad for lunch and for dinner.
Yes, 4 croutons for a serving is retarded, but so I am for not being real with myself and weighing and measuring. I know I'm also pretty liberal with my fruit, too. What really *is* a quarter cup of canteloupe wedges, anyhow?
So I feel the need to discipline myself. Partly for the willingness to look the other way with the croutons, more for allowing myself to feel as though I were starting to resemble a normal person.
No desserts this week. No more Skinny Cow ice creams, or tablespoon of chocolate chips with berries. I will go to class Thursday and Saturday, and I will go for a walk tonight, Friday, and Sunday. I've changed the entries for my salads to accurately reflect three servings of croutons (which I will now measure) and all fruit will also be measured.
Along with the dressy top disaster, I'd ordered two pair of jeans in a style I like in a size 12 and 14 since they were on clearance. Now, these jeans have a lot of stretch in them and run big. I tried on the 14s the other day and they fit. Not fit like I'd wear them in public, but fit like got them on, up, and buttoned and was still totally able to breathe.
I tossed both pairs of jeans, dressy disaster top and sleeveless top all back in the bag and returned them to the store today. I don't deserve them. Or rewards. Of any kind. I deserve to disappear. To fade into the background. To be grateful that the Girl gives me the time of day, and endeavor to try to earn the love she has for me. To hope she doesn't suddenly realize how totally out of my league she is.
To hide in the corner of my office behind giant monitors at work. To only slink out to dash to the restroom twice a day. To feel the need to apologize to the people I pass in the hallway just for being in their line of vision. I'm sorry you have to look at me. I'm trying my hardest to look like I'm not here, really.
I have a dressy event coming up. I refuse to wear anything that shows my legs. Not even capris or crop pants. I have cankles and I know it. So, a short dress is out. I also refuse to show my arms. Sleeveless dresses are out. So I could wear a long dress with sleeves, and look really out of place at a mid-summer event, or I have to find a nice (evening nice, not just job interview nice) top and nice slacks.
Yada, yada, ordered a top, tried it on, it looks like a dress made out of plastic. No go. Saw some very interesting looking off the shoulder looks. Almost ordered one. Then tried on a sleeveless top at home (that I would ONLY wear with a sweater or jacket) and just looked at myself in it.
In the evening, after dinner, feeling kind of stuffed. No sucking in, all alone in the bathroom. Me and my reflection.
I am so, so, so unattractive. I am loathe to use words like "huge, gross, enormous" because I know when I see someone that weighs less than I do use those words, it stings. But whatever little sense of maybe kind of looking okay or at least better I had has gone RIGHT the fuck out the window.
I pretty much disgust myself. It doesn't really matter what I wear to this event, because no one will be looking at me. Or rather, no one will be looking at me and judging what I'm wearing.
Honestly, when you see someone that's very very overweight, are you evaluating their fashion choices? Or are you really thinking something either awful, ("*THAT* is why I do aerobics three times a week!") or patronizingly charitable, at best, ("Maybe they're on a weight loss journey, too.", "Good for them for getting out to an event like this!")
Maybe those thoughts make me a horrible person, but I think a lot of us have them, if we're brutally honest with ourselves.
In any case, this is the category I fall into. As long as I'm not ridiculously dressed, it doesn't matter. I'm not going to look GOOD in anything I try to wear, so the best I can do is disappear. Lipstick on the metaphorical pig, and all that. Maybe a dark gray cami and a black wrap or sweater over it, and black pants.
I even look at pictures of 14 year old me now...at 145 pounds and think, "I thought I was thin? I look pretty chunky..."
I can't fathom why the Girl is with me. Yeah, yeah, looks are only skin deep, personality is what's important, sure. but it's one thing not to look like Charlize Theron, and it's another to actually have the ability to gross someone out with your appearance. I'm lumpy and bulge-y and pasty. I don't actually have a jawline, it all just turns into neck. My upper arm hangs over my elbow. My calves hang down over my ankles. How has she stomached me for 3 years? I feel guilty for putting her through having a girlfriend that looks like me.
Did I even mention that I skipped aerobics class last night? The reason doesn't matter. It wasn't some extreme case of illness/injury/needing to be there for family. I swear I've gained 5 pounds just from skipping class.
I also finally broke down and measured out how many (fucking delicious) croutons I actually put on my salads. A serving is 2 tablespoons or 7 grams. Which is actually about 4 croutons (these are the Texas Toast kind, so slightly bigger than tiny ones). I use at least 12. So instead of getting about 35 calories from croutons as I've been tracking, I'm actually getting 100 or more. Sometimes I have a salad for lunch and for dinner.
Yes, 4 croutons for a serving is retarded, but so I am for not being real with myself and weighing and measuring. I know I'm also pretty liberal with my fruit, too. What really *is* a quarter cup of canteloupe wedges, anyhow?
So I feel the need to discipline myself. Partly for the willingness to look the other way with the croutons, more for allowing myself to feel as though I were starting to resemble a normal person.
No desserts this week. No more Skinny Cow ice creams, or tablespoon of chocolate chips with berries. I will go to class Thursday and Saturday, and I will go for a walk tonight, Friday, and Sunday. I've changed the entries for my salads to accurately reflect three servings of croutons (which I will now measure) and all fruit will also be measured.
Along with the dressy top disaster, I'd ordered two pair of jeans in a style I like in a size 12 and 14 since they were on clearance. Now, these jeans have a lot of stretch in them and run big. I tried on the 14s the other day and they fit. Not fit like I'd wear them in public, but fit like got them on, up, and buttoned and was still totally able to breathe.
I tossed both pairs of jeans, dressy disaster top and sleeveless top all back in the bag and returned them to the store today. I don't deserve them. Or rewards. Of any kind. I deserve to disappear. To fade into the background. To be grateful that the Girl gives me the time of day, and endeavor to try to earn the love she has for me. To hope she doesn't suddenly realize how totally out of my league she is.
To hide in the corner of my office behind giant monitors at work. To only slink out to dash to the restroom twice a day. To feel the need to apologize to the people I pass in the hallway just for being in their line of vision. I'm sorry you have to look at me. I'm trying my hardest to look like I'm not here, really.
I can see myself in the mirrors.
I have hundreds of them everywhere
and they talk back to me all the time.
They keep me true and pure.
I have hundreds of them everywhere
and they talk back to me all the time.
They keep me true and pure.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Unintended side effect of weight loss #47
Building up the muscles in your hand from overuse of 0 cal spray butter.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
A rebuttal
There's a weight loss/foodie blog I've been reading since I started this last year. I'm not sure I'm going to name it specifically. This blog and its writer have been a huge inspiration to me, especially in the beginning. The recipes started me on my quest to find delicious, light food that both me and my 12 year old will enjoy eating.
However, a post there yesterday on "diet" versus "whole" foods really rubbed me the wrong way.
I understand the backlash against preservative-ridden pseudo-foods filling the shelves these days. Eating foods as close to their source and nature as possible makes sense to me, even if it's not something I specifically set out to do.
There's also the argument that when what one craves is ice cream, one should have (a serving) of ice cream, and not placate a pang with sugar-free fat free whipped frozen yogurt, lest the jones linger unsatisfied.
But... while this post claimed to be accepting of diet foods (like bagel thins, frozen yogurt, fat free sour cream), if only as a tool in weight loss, it actually came off very condescending, at least to this dieter's ears.
To say that you understand that some people like only the crispy exterior of bagels, and in that case, bagel thins are A-ok, whatever floats your boat, and then to drool on for a paragraph about all the heady sexiness of real, whole, full-fat bagels with full-fat cream cheese....
...it's like saying, "Well, yes, I'm sure driving a 2004 Honda Civic is JUST FINE for some people who really, truly prefer cars with two c's and a v in the name, and to each their own, but let me tell you...every morning when I sink into the heated leather seats of my Mercedes SUV, gaze up through the moonroof, and listen to the hum of a fine piece of European-manufactured machinery purring like a panther...well, there's not a moment I regret making that purchase."
We can't all AFFORD the Mercedes! For some of us, it would be a huge, life-wrecking mistake to even attempt to buy one! Am I making sense?
The analogy of "lite" or "diet" foods to training wheels is made. That they're a stepping stone along the (inevitable, apparently) path to whole foods. Since this writer is 5 years into weight maintenance, perhaps it is easy for her to poo-pooh fat free pudding, cool whip, skinny cow ice creams, butter spray, light bread, and all the other substitutions that most dieters assume as a given. And if her blog were just. a food blog, then fine.
But she's made her name (not to mention her upcoming weight-loss memoir and accompanying cookbook) as a weight-loss inspiration. She knows her audience is primarily folks in the beginning or middle of a battle of the bulge! And to give us this "Well...yess...those things were ok back when I was losing weight...but here, darling, on this side of the scale, I can see how big a faux pas they really are..." just feels like a slap in the face.
Her comments about how, when she was losing weight, it was more important to have the quantity of 6 fat free fudgesicles than the "real" goodness of 1/2 cup of Haagen-Dazs ... a "barrel" of baked chips than 14 Doritos really irked me. That she's proud of the trust she now has in herself...the control she has now that she can eat only two of the dozen buttery, eggy chocolate walnut chip cookies she's just baked off without eating the whole lot hurt.
How about I only have ROOM in my calorie budget for ONE fat free fudgsicle? If I HAD the 400 calories available for dessert, maybe my ass WOULD be eating the "real" thing, but I don't! I have 50! or 100!
Should I reduce my 200-cal breakfasts even further so I can accommodate the "whole" food Doritos? Or is it ok with you if I eat some pretzels instead? Am I supposed to forgo one small Skinny Cow ice cream cone in favor of 3 teaspoons of Extreme Moose tracks? And I'm supposed to be satisfied (not just mentally, mind you, but physically too, since it's a "whole" food) by that teeny amount?
Maybe the self-control isn't my issue, but staying realistically within my calorie budget is. If I make an entire batch of cookies, but can only afford to eat (maybe) one per day....I'm either eating a lot of stale cookies or wasting them.
It didn't help that the comments section was full of people trying to agree with the error of their diet-food-eating ways. Things like, "Oh-em-gee! I totes <3 this post! Get out of my head! I remember when I was trying to lose weight (after ballooning all the way up to 155 when I was pregnant, GROSS!) and ate a lot of fat free, light foods. Now that I've lost that 15 pounds, I can see how AWFUL it was that I put all that POISON into my body! Now I only eat lard straight from the can (cuz what's less processed than lard?) and I'm maintaining after 3 whole weeks!"***
***not an actual comment, but actually reflective of how snarky I feel about the comments
Truly, I still like this blog and its writer. I hope, though, that she can remember from whence she came. Talking down to a group on people eating the same foods she did when she was trying to lose an assload of weight just stings. If she is wanting her blog to morph into a food or foodie blog and not a source of weight loss inspiration, then ok. I hope she won't be using it to promote her book any longer, and please remove the three articles that draw most people in, all of which are focused entirely on weight loss.
/rant
However, a post there yesterday on "diet" versus "whole" foods really rubbed me the wrong way.
I understand the backlash against preservative-ridden pseudo-foods filling the shelves these days. Eating foods as close to their source and nature as possible makes sense to me, even if it's not something I specifically set out to do.
There's also the argument that when what one craves is ice cream, one should have (a serving) of ice cream, and not placate a pang with sugar-free fat free whipped frozen yogurt, lest the jones linger unsatisfied.
But... while this post claimed to be accepting of diet foods (like bagel thins, frozen yogurt, fat free sour cream), if only as a tool in weight loss, it actually came off very condescending, at least to this dieter's ears.
vs.
...it's like saying, "Well, yes, I'm sure driving a 2004 Honda Civic is JUST FINE for some people who really, truly prefer cars with two c's and a v in the name, and to each their own, but let me tell you...every morning when I sink into the heated leather seats of my Mercedes SUV, gaze up through the moonroof, and listen to the hum of a fine piece of European-manufactured machinery purring like a panther...well, there's not a moment I regret making that purchase."
We can't all AFFORD the Mercedes! For some of us, it would be a huge, life-wrecking mistake to even attempt to buy one! Am I making sense?
The analogy of "lite" or "diet" foods to training wheels is made. That they're a stepping stone along the (inevitable, apparently) path to whole foods. Since this writer is 5 years into weight maintenance, perhaps it is easy for her to poo-pooh fat free pudding, cool whip, skinny cow ice creams, butter spray, light bread, and all the other substitutions that most dieters assume as a given. And if her blog were just. a food blog, then fine.
But she's made her name (not to mention her upcoming weight-loss memoir and accompanying cookbook) as a weight-loss inspiration. She knows her audience is primarily folks in the beginning or middle of a battle of the bulge! And to give us this "Well...yess...those things were ok back when I was losing weight...but here, darling, on this side of the scale, I can see how big a faux pas they really are..." just feels like a slap in the face.
Her comments about how, when she was losing weight, it was more important to have the quantity of 6 fat free fudgesicles than the "real" goodness of 1/2 cup of Haagen-Dazs ... a "barrel" of baked chips than 14 Doritos really irked me. That she's proud of the trust she now has in herself...the control she has now that she can eat only two of the dozen buttery, eggy chocolate walnut chip cookies she's just baked off without eating the whole lot hurt.
How about I only have ROOM in my calorie budget for ONE fat free fudgsicle? If I HAD the 400 calories available for dessert, maybe my ass WOULD be eating the "real" thing, but I don't! I have 50! or 100!
Should I reduce my 200-cal breakfasts even further so I can accommodate the "whole" food Doritos? Or is it ok with you if I eat some pretzels instead? Am I supposed to forgo one small Skinny Cow ice cream cone in favor of 3 teaspoons of Extreme Moose tracks? And I'm supposed to be satisfied (not just mentally, mind you, but physically too, since it's a "whole" food) by that teeny amount?
Maybe the self-control isn't my issue, but staying realistically within my calorie budget is. If I make an entire batch of cookies, but can only afford to eat (maybe) one per day....I'm either eating a lot of stale cookies or wasting them.
It didn't help that the comments section was full of people trying to agree with the error of their diet-food-eating ways. Things like, "Oh-em-gee! I totes <3 this post! Get out of my head! I remember when I was trying to lose weight (after ballooning all the way up to 155 when I was pregnant, GROSS!) and ate a lot of fat free, light foods. Now that I've lost that 15 pounds, I can see how AWFUL it was that I put all that POISON into my body! Now I only eat lard straight from the can (cuz what's less processed than lard?) and I'm maintaining after 3 whole weeks!"***
***not an actual comment, but actually reflective of how snarky I feel about the comments
Truly, I still like this blog and its writer. I hope, though, that she can remember from whence she came. Talking down to a group on people eating the same foods she did when she was trying to lose an assload of weight just stings. If she is wanting her blog to morph into a food or foodie blog and not a source of weight loss inspiration, then ok. I hope she won't be using it to promote her book any longer, and please remove the three articles that draw most people in, all of which are focused entirely on weight loss.
/rant
Monday, April 23, 2012
Little improvements
After last week's net 0 loss/gain...I initially told myself that was fine..great. It meant I hadn't packed anything on during vacation. But since I waited an entire week after returning to weigh in, I actually felt like I should have lost something. Silly, yes.
In any case, it prompted me to refocus. I did much better with water all last week. That, alone, I feel is responsible for my 3.79 lb loss.
232.8. At LONG last, the 240s are really, truly a thing of the past.
I went to aerobics class (along with the Girl! more on that in a sec) once last week, and went on one decent walk. I have a legitimate excuse...extensive dental work on Thursday. Thursday's class was out of the question. Also, my power walks are have a delayed, very negative, effect on my left shin and knee. Boo! I actually like them!
So, this week I've got Tuesday and Thursdays' aerobics classes planned. But I'm also going to check with the instructor about a similar class she teaches on Wednesdays and Saturdays. If she thinks I'll be able to keep the knee/shin impact low in those like I do in the classes I'm already taking, I will go the Saturday class this week.
Going to both the Wednesday AND Saturday classes would be kickass - for my body, anyhow. My family might disagree. It's trying enough to rush home in time to drop of the Girl and head to class on Tues and Thurs and not be home until 7:15. Cooking is not one of the Girl's fortes. I don't mind cooking at all (it's in my blood), but my class has meant either a very late dinner or trying to come up with something simple enough for the Girl to make. I think if I add a third night, the Girl and the daughter may revolt.
I'm SO proud of the Girl for coming with me to class. It totally kicked her butt. Even keeping things low-impact like I do. It doesn't make me happy that she was in such a state she had to sit out a song, but it does make me happy to know that even at 71 lbs less than me, it wasn't a breeze for her. I really *am* working hard, even if I'm not bouncing all over the place.
She's coming back with me tmw. We'll see about Thursday. Even if she goes one day a week, that's so great for her body. Not just weight or looks-wise, but for her muscles, bones, heart, lungs, immune system, all of it. So, so proud of her. :D
Oh! And I squeezed into a pair of the Girl's old size 16 pants yesterday.
I KNOW!
I haven't seen a 16 since....2002? And that was after a dangerous 75 lb weight loss. (Which turned into a 110 lb gain). I wouldn't wear them in public, too tight. But I got them on. And buttoned them. And they weren't knit or stretch pants or anything. And they also weren't a 16W, just a plain 16. Little victories, you know?
Heck, I'm happy to be pretty firmly in an 18 right now. For me, that means I could usually find something in my size at a regular store...possibly even in the "misses" and not "womens" sizes. Possibly.
I'd been setting up mini-goals along the way. I finally reached my 235 by 4/1 goal (well, two weeks late, but okay). But my next goal is 195.8 by 8/31/12. 100 lbs at the 1 year mark. 37 lbs in 19 weeks. About 1.9 lbs per week. I CAN DO IT!
And then, it will be 165lbs. by 12/31/12 (assuming the earth hasn't imploded or something). My UGW.
At least, that's what I think it is. It will depend largely on how I feel and look at 175, or at 160, or 155.
Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Right now the beckoning 220s sound marvelous.
In any case, it prompted me to refocus. I did much better with water all last week. That, alone, I feel is responsible for my 3.79 lb loss.
232.8. At LONG last, the 240s are really, truly a thing of the past.
I went to aerobics class (along with the Girl! more on that in a sec) once last week, and went on one decent walk. I have a legitimate excuse...extensive dental work on Thursday. Thursday's class was out of the question. Also, my power walks are have a delayed, very negative, effect on my left shin and knee. Boo! I actually like them!
So, this week I've got Tuesday and Thursdays' aerobics classes planned. But I'm also going to check with the instructor about a similar class she teaches on Wednesdays and Saturdays. If she thinks I'll be able to keep the knee/shin impact low in those like I do in the classes I'm already taking, I will go the Saturday class this week.
Going to both the Wednesday AND Saturday classes would be kickass - for my body, anyhow. My family might disagree. It's trying enough to rush home in time to drop of the Girl and head to class on Tues and Thurs and not be home until 7:15. Cooking is not one of the Girl's fortes. I don't mind cooking at all (it's in my blood), but my class has meant either a very late dinner or trying to come up with something simple enough for the Girl to make. I think if I add a third night, the Girl and the daughter may revolt.
I'm SO proud of the Girl for coming with me to class. It totally kicked her butt. Even keeping things low-impact like I do. It doesn't make me happy that she was in such a state she had to sit out a song, but it does make me happy to know that even at 71 lbs less than me, it wasn't a breeze for her. I really *am* working hard, even if I'm not bouncing all over the place.
She's coming back with me tmw. We'll see about Thursday. Even if she goes one day a week, that's so great for her body. Not just weight or looks-wise, but for her muscles, bones, heart, lungs, immune system, all of it. So, so proud of her. :D
Oh! And I squeezed into a pair of the Girl's old size 16 pants yesterday.
I KNOW!
I haven't seen a 16 since....2002? And that was after a dangerous 75 lb weight loss. (Which turned into a 110 lb gain). I wouldn't wear them in public, too tight. But I got them on. And buttoned them. And they weren't knit or stretch pants or anything. And they also weren't a 16W, just a plain 16. Little victories, you know?
Heck, I'm happy to be pretty firmly in an 18 right now. For me, that means I could usually find something in my size at a regular store...possibly even in the "misses" and not "womens" sizes. Possibly.
I'd been setting up mini-goals along the way. I finally reached my 235 by 4/1 goal (well, two weeks late, but okay). But my next goal is 195.8 by 8/31/12. 100 lbs at the 1 year mark. 37 lbs in 19 weeks. About 1.9 lbs per week. I CAN DO IT!
And then, it will be 165lbs. by 12/31/12 (assuming the earth hasn't imploded or something). My UGW.
At least, that's what I think it is. It will depend largely on how I feel and look at 175, or at 160, or 155.
Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Right now the beckoning 220s sound marvelous.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Back 2 Life...Back 2 Reality
Am I the only one that hears that song every time I'm back from a weekend/vacation/holiday break/awesome dream?
Back from vacation. I was thankfully able to keep from trying to count calories during my week away. I was also able to eat quite a few healthy meals in the midst of restaurant-a-go-going.
I skipped the Sunday weigh-in this week. Whatever the results from my week of eating at 2 4-star restaurants, 3 dives with awesome food, and WAY too many pralines, I feel ok with it. There's no way possible I gained 15 pounds or anything, and I was actually craving fruit, greek yogurt, and salads (that I got in when I could) so I feel proud that I didn't instantly slip back into "old" ways.
HOWEVER, I almost signed in while packing and hustling to the airport on departure day just to post that on 3/31 I was at 236.6! Take THAT 240s!!
It felt nice to hear a few compliments from relatives (and always from the Girl. She's amazingly sweet like that) about looking good. I was also finally able to see a photo taken in October (when I was only down 17 lbs) to see what that full body shot looked like. I confess, though, that I don't see a lot of difference.
The recurring thought in my head for the last few weeks is, "You are STILL a very. big. girl." Kind of disheartening to have lost dang near 60 lbs, been eating healthy and getting more exercise in for 7 months, and STILL look and feel as obese as (let's face it) I am. I feel leaps and bounds ahead of where I was from an eating and mentality standpoint, but yet I was still the biggest person in my aerobics class last night.
I don't want to allow myself to act/feel as though I'm ... normal. Fit. Healthy. Thin. Because I'm not. I'm only health-ier, fit-ter, thin-ner than I was.
I wear a lot of baggy clothes and sweaters (always sweaters) because I want very badly to hide beneath the layers. I didn't wear stuff like this before. But it's almost like I woke up to how big and unhealthy I was. Although I'm making progress, I'm still a big and unhealthy person so I want to cover that up. I'm dreading summer, and having to shed my already too-big XXL sweaters.
I'll have to find some baggy short-sleeved thin sweaters to swaddle myself in.
I was talking to the Girl about coming with me to my aerobics class. She has some neck/shoulder issues, so she'd have to skip crunches and overhead weight moves. She was saying that she is pretty sure she'll be able to skip doing those things and not worry what others in the class would think of her for not doing them.
My immediate thought was, "That's because you're not fat!"
My bum knee and the persistent pain/possible stress fracture in the same leg frustrate me to no end in working out. I can't jog in place for more than 15 seconds without sharp tinges of pain. No jumpy-hoppy-type movements at all. I have to "modify" a lot of the movements in class (along with the 74 year old next to me). I'm POSITIVE that everyone thinks that I can't/won't do it because of my size. It makes me feel AWFUL, and completely self-conscious. I almost wish I could wear a sign that had arrows and said "Busted knee! Stress fracture! That's why I'm keeping everything low impact! Not because I'm too lazy/fat to do it the "right way!"
I know if I were a "normal" weight, people would probably assume I had some kind of injury. But I'm not, so they assume that's the reason.
I took a different class in addition to my current one for a few weeks. I wanted something similar to this one, but on a weekend. So one Saturday morning at 8:30 a.m. I showed up for the Cardio Weight Training class. Me and 25 women size 8 or smaller. And though the class was supposed to start at 8:30, at 8:28 when I showed up, they were already midway through their warm up song. I had to do that whole, embarrassing "grab your equipment and find a place to set up while not getting hit in the head" thing for a few minutes. They were using steps. They all had the step plus the two extension pieces underneath. In my rush to just get out of the way and get moving, I grabbed the step and one extension piece.
This class wasn't playing. I'm talking jump up onto the step with both feet and back down again while swinging a 15 pound kettleball not-playing. In many places it was obvious what I needed to do to avoid shattering my left leg. (Step up and down with one foot at a time, etc.) But in other places, the instructor would start the move, and then say something like "Level 1, you'll step over and back..."
Level 1...oh, ok, that's me.
I was okay with that. Even though I was the only one in the room not on level 28 or whatever the hell level they were on.
But at a later point, when she was again demonstrating a "level 1" move, she went into some spiel about "You know, it's ok if you can't do everything. Everyone has to start somewhere..."
I wanted to DIE. It was all I could do not to run crying from the room. I was already humiliated just STANDING in the room with these thin, fit women. Now I'm moving around and jiggling in front of them. Not able to keep up, beet red from exertion (even at level "one"!) and having to modify the moves to make them low-impact. Now she makes this speech for ONLY ME. EVERYONE KNOWS she's only talking about me.
I made it through that class. Although my breathing was messed up for the remainder of the day. And by Monday I had to take a day off work because my legs and back were KILLING me. But I felt like I HAD to go back.
I had to show up again to show them that they hadn't beaten me.
So I did. And it was a little less excruciating that time. A little.
The following week, she set the class up in "circuits". Punching bags here, steps there, weights there. And groups of 4 of us would switch circuits every 2 minutes. This didn't work so well. When we were all supposed to run up and down the line of steps, I opted to stand off to the side and grapevine so as not to hold up the other three women. Awkward. Several other times, I had to do something completely separate from the others. And I noticed the instructor and others watching to see what I'd do.
I couldn't take it anymore. I stopped going. I didn't want to hurt myself during the class to avoid embarrassment . It was making me feel awful, and right now I need to feel as positive as I can about exercise.
One day, hopefully not too far from now, I want to go back to that class. A size 8 myself. And even if none of the same people or instructors are there, I'll know that I came back. And I'll feel ok doing things at "level 1", because no one will think my size is the reason.
Back from vacation. I was thankfully able to keep from trying to count calories during my week away. I was also able to eat quite a few healthy meals in the midst of restaurant-a-go-going.
I skipped the Sunday weigh-in this week. Whatever the results from my week of eating at 2 4-star restaurants, 3 dives with awesome food, and WAY too many pralines, I feel ok with it. There's no way possible I gained 15 pounds or anything, and I was actually craving fruit, greek yogurt, and salads (that I got in when I could) so I feel proud that I didn't instantly slip back into "old" ways.
HOWEVER, I almost signed in while packing and hustling to the airport on departure day just to post that on 3/31 I was at 236.6! Take THAT 240s!!
It felt nice to hear a few compliments from relatives (and always from the Girl. She's amazingly sweet like that) about looking good. I was also finally able to see a photo taken in October (when I was only down 17 lbs) to see what that full body shot looked like. I confess, though, that I don't see a lot of difference.
The recurring thought in my head for the last few weeks is, "You are STILL a very. big. girl." Kind of disheartening to have lost dang near 60 lbs, been eating healthy and getting more exercise in for 7 months, and STILL look and feel as obese as (let's face it) I am. I feel leaps and bounds ahead of where I was from an eating and mentality standpoint, but yet I was still the biggest person in my aerobics class last night.
I don't want to allow myself to act/feel as though I'm ... normal. Fit. Healthy. Thin. Because I'm not. I'm only health-ier, fit-ter, thin-ner than I was.
I wear a lot of baggy clothes and sweaters (always sweaters) because I want very badly to hide beneath the layers. I didn't wear stuff like this before. But it's almost like I woke up to how big and unhealthy I was. Although I'm making progress, I'm still a big and unhealthy person so I want to cover that up. I'm dreading summer, and having to shed my already too-big XXL sweaters.
I'll have to find some baggy short-sleeved thin sweaters to swaddle myself in.
I was talking to the Girl about coming with me to my aerobics class. She has some neck/shoulder issues, so she'd have to skip crunches and overhead weight moves. She was saying that she is pretty sure she'll be able to skip doing those things and not worry what others in the class would think of her for not doing them.
My immediate thought was, "That's because you're not fat!"
My bum knee and the persistent pain/possible stress fracture in the same leg frustrate me to no end in working out. I can't jog in place for more than 15 seconds without sharp tinges of pain. No jumpy-hoppy-type movements at all. I have to "modify" a lot of the movements in class (along with the 74 year old next to me). I'm POSITIVE that everyone thinks that I can't/won't do it because of my size. It makes me feel AWFUL, and completely self-conscious. I almost wish I could wear a sign that had arrows and said "Busted knee! Stress fracture! That's why I'm keeping everything low impact! Not because I'm too lazy/fat to do it the "right way!"
 |
I know if I were a "normal" weight, people would probably assume I had some kind of injury. But I'm not, so they assume that's the reason.
I took a different class in addition to my current one for a few weeks. I wanted something similar to this one, but on a weekend. So one Saturday morning at 8:30 a.m. I showed up for the Cardio Weight Training class. Me and 25 women size 8 or smaller. And though the class was supposed to start at 8:30, at 8:28 when I showed up, they were already midway through their warm up song. I had to do that whole, embarrassing "grab your equipment and find a place to set up while not getting hit in the head" thing for a few minutes. They were using steps. They all had the step plus the two extension pieces underneath. In my rush to just get out of the way and get moving, I grabbed the step and one extension piece.
This class wasn't playing. I'm talking jump up onto the step with both feet and back down again while swinging a 15 pound kettleball not-playing. In many places it was obvious what I needed to do to avoid shattering my left leg. (Step up and down with one foot at a time, etc.) But in other places, the instructor would start the move, and then say something like "Level 1, you'll step over and back..."
Level 1...oh, ok, that's me.
I was okay with that. Even though I was the only one in the room not on level 28 or whatever the hell level they were on.
But at a later point, when she was again demonstrating a "level 1" move, she went into some spiel about "You know, it's ok if you can't do everything. Everyone has to start somewhere..."
I wanted to DIE. It was all I could do not to run crying from the room. I was already humiliated just STANDING in the room with these thin, fit women. Now I'm moving around and jiggling in front of them. Not able to keep up, beet red from exertion (even at level "one"!) and having to modify the moves to make them low-impact. Now she makes this speech for ONLY ME. EVERYONE KNOWS she's only talking about me.
I made it through that class. Although my breathing was messed up for the remainder of the day. And by Monday I had to take a day off work because my legs and back were KILLING me. But I felt like I HAD to go back.
I had to show up again to show them that they hadn't beaten me.
So I did. And it was a little less excruciating that time. A little.
The following week, she set the class up in "circuits". Punching bags here, steps there, weights there. And groups of 4 of us would switch circuits every 2 minutes. This didn't work so well. When we were all supposed to run up and down the line of steps, I opted to stand off to the side and grapevine so as not to hold up the other three women. Awkward. Several other times, I had to do something completely separate from the others. And I noticed the instructor and others watching to see what I'd do.
I couldn't take it anymore. I stopped going. I didn't want to hurt myself during the class to avoid embarrassment . It was making me feel awful, and right now I need to feel as positive as I can about exercise.
One day, hopefully not too far from now, I want to go back to that class. A size 8 myself. And even if none of the same people or instructors are there, I'll know that I came back. And I'll feel ok doing things at "level 1", because no one will think my size is the reason.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Stuck
This may end up being a rant or sounding whiny, so apologies all around ahead of time.
I've had the worry, pretty much since I started back in August, that I would lose a certain amount of weight and then just stop. Not that I would stop eating healthily or exercising, but that my body would just refuse to lose any more weight.
Maybe it's similar to other feelings of "I'm never actually going to be able to do/achieve ___". Like when you're pregnant with your first child and you just CANNOT fathom that you'll be able to give birth. Or in your sophomore year of college, and that degree just seems so.far.away.
Over the past few years I've yo-yo'ed between the 260s and maybe the 230s. Not until last summer did I "yo" way up to 295. So I think I could envision myself getting down to 240/230, maybe even the 220s, but I can't picture anything lower than that right now. And the way the scale is treating me, I'm scared it's coming true.
Here's what the last few weeks' weigh-ins look like:
02/26/12: 243.2
03/04/12: 241.0
03/11/12: (no entry, likely because I stayed the same or gained like .4 lbs)
03/18/12: 238.6
03/25/12: 240.4
One month to lose 2.8 lbs!!! WTF? I'm all for slow and steady. I'm not trying to lose 6 lbs a week. 1-2 a week is what I'm aiming for. But what is THIS bullshit?
And I'm not "cheating" or rationalizing poor food choices, either. Here are my calories totals for last week:
1258
1305
1148
1031
1322
1290
If anything, my calories are a tad LOW. This is pretty much how my calorie totals have looked for the past month. A few days in the 1300s, mostly 1200s, and a few days where I've either unintentionally missed a meal (work meeting that goes through lunch) or just had some really low cal meals (tilapia and steamed veggies) and ended up in the 1000s or 1100s.
I count everything. I'm not "forgetting" to count the sodas or alcohol or bites of this or that. I drink primarily water (or no calorie vitamin waters, etc.). I work out 2-3 times a week. I eat a ton of veggies, lean proteins, some grains, and fresh fruit.
I'm becoming convinced that my body just will not lose much more weight.
Perhaps the obvious solution is to increase my daily calories. Easier said than done. I've flirted with disordered eating in the past. So to see my daily total reach into the 1400s (or higher) right now when my weight is stagnating or even creeping upward just sends me into a panic.
I've got one more weigh-in, this Saturday, before I won't be weighing in for a few weeks. I've got a long overdue vacation all next week, and I'd told myself long ago that this week won't count. There are several "special" meals lined up for which I can eat whatever I choose.
The other meals during the week will be healthy, as my meals have been for the last 7 months. I will not forbid myself from enjoying life like a "normal" person, and I will not hold it against myself. Ergo, no weigh-in the weekend I return. Perhaps the following week, but we shall see.
In the meantime, I'm going to try to up my calories as far as I can manage to (yesterday was 1446, today will be 1361) up to 1450, and add two power walks in each week to my 2 aerobics classes. Hopefully, this week will at least see me back into the upper 230s, and post vacation I will have stayed the same.
Lord help me fight the urge to check calorie content at restaurants on my vacation. As someone near and dear to me would sing, "You realllllyyy, don't waaaaannnnt to-oooo knooooooow."
I've had the worry, pretty much since I started back in August, that I would lose a certain amount of weight and then just stop. Not that I would stop eating healthily or exercising, but that my body would just refuse to lose any more weight.
Maybe it's similar to other feelings of "I'm never actually going to be able to do/achieve ___". Like when you're pregnant with your first child and you just CANNOT fathom that you'll be able to give birth. Or in your sophomore year of college, and that degree just seems so.far.away.
Over the past few years I've yo-yo'ed between the 260s and maybe the 230s. Not until last summer did I "yo" way up to 295. So I think I could envision myself getting down to 240/230, maybe even the 220s, but I can't picture anything lower than that right now. And the way the scale is treating me, I'm scared it's coming true.
Here's what the last few weeks' weigh-ins look like:
02/26/12: 243.2
03/04/12: 241.0
03/11/12: (no entry, likely because I stayed the same or gained like .4 lbs)
03/18/12: 238.6
03/25/12: 240.4
One month to lose 2.8 lbs!!! WTF? I'm all for slow and steady. I'm not trying to lose 6 lbs a week. 1-2 a week is what I'm aiming for. But what is THIS bullshit?
And I'm not "cheating" or rationalizing poor food choices, either. Here are my calories totals for last week:
1258
1305
1148
1031
1322
1290
If anything, my calories are a tad LOW. This is pretty much how my calorie totals have looked for the past month. A few days in the 1300s, mostly 1200s, and a few days where I've either unintentionally missed a meal (work meeting that goes through lunch) or just had some really low cal meals (tilapia and steamed veggies) and ended up in the 1000s or 1100s.
I count everything. I'm not "forgetting" to count the sodas or alcohol or bites of this or that. I drink primarily water (or no calorie vitamin waters, etc.). I work out 2-3 times a week. I eat a ton of veggies, lean proteins, some grains, and fresh fruit.
I'm becoming convinced that my body just will not lose much more weight.
Perhaps the obvious solution is to increase my daily calories. Easier said than done. I've flirted with disordered eating in the past. So to see my daily total reach into the 1400s (or higher) right now when my weight is stagnating or even creeping upward just sends me into a panic.
I've got one more weigh-in, this Saturday, before I won't be weighing in for a few weeks. I've got a long overdue vacation all next week, and I'd told myself long ago that this week won't count. There are several "special" meals lined up for which I can eat whatever I choose.
"whatever I choose"
The other meals during the week will be healthy, as my meals have been for the last 7 months. I will not forbid myself from enjoying life like a "normal" person, and I will not hold it against myself. Ergo, no weigh-in the weekend I return. Perhaps the following week, but we shall see.
In the meantime, I'm going to try to up my calories as far as I can manage to (yesterday was 1446, today will be 1361) up to 1450, and add two power walks in each week to my 2 aerobics classes. Hopefully, this week will at least see me back into the upper 230s, and post vacation I will have stayed the same.
Lord help me fight the urge to check calorie content at restaurants on my vacation. As someone near and dear to me would sing, "You realllllyyy, don't waaaaannnnt to-oooo knooooooow."
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